“Struggling With Prayer.”
Jeremiah 33:3 (ESV)
3 Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.
For too long now I have felt at such a huge distance from God and I can pin point when this began to physically manifest. But what I have been unable to do is get back onto the road of living right and having that closeness with God that I had not too long ago. I have been struggling trying to work out what the problem is; what exactly have I been doing wrong? I now realise that the moment that lead me to feeling like I had left God’s presence was a bit like an explosion it scattered everything and I have spent time trying to find those pieces in order to put them back together. But now I realise that I have spent so long trying to pick up the pieces and put them together when I should have left it to God to fix it because only He can.
My relationship with Jesus does not feel the same as when my journey first began.
I grew up in a Christian home “backslid” and when I started my walk with God I was upfront with God. I basically said that I did not want to become a Christian if it involved all of the
Christian / Church things that I did not want to be a part of. (I think most people who have grown up in Christian homes who return to God always come with baggage from their past within the church and sometimes from the world looking into the church. When it comes to seeking God we want something authentic.) I was quite clear and a bit too bold maybe when I made this statement but now I feel as though I have become the very thing that I desperately did not want to become. 😦
Whilst I was reading this blog that I really enjoyed, (give her blog a follow she writes some great posts) I went to the comment section because it’s a great way of hearing other people’s opinions and stories. I read this comment (I haven’t include the whole comment) this part stood out to me…
“Then one day I prayed, I do not even remember what I said. After I was finished, I realized I had no clue of what I said. Prayer had become an empty ritual.”
This hit me because I no longer have a relationship with God which was the only thing that I wanted and needed. I will sometimes pray or write in my notebook to God and don’t actually remember what I said. I brushed it off a little because I didn’t think it was something that I should worry myself about. I didn’t think that there was anything in this because we all have busy days, mentally and physically and we sometimes forget what we said.
Whilst I was reading this I remembered that I asked God to teach me to pray and he was faithful. I learned that all I needed to do was speak; whether I was asking, playing out my day, thinking about others, crying, giving thanks it didn’t matter because I was talking to God. (this is a great video on prayer – Everyday Answers How Should I Pray?)
Where did my prayer life start to go wrong? I remember I was praying and felt a little bit sad that I couldn’t pray “powerful prayers” like other people could. I felt as though what I said didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I also felt as though my prayer could not be prayed publicly. But how wrong was I. After these thoughts I asked Jesus to help me to pray like other people do. BIG MISTAKE. I can remember celebrating when I prayed a prayer that lasted a long time and it covered so many areas, I felt so pleased with myself because I could pray like everyone else. Pride overtook me! A few days later I laid in bed asking myself why I had even asked for my prayers to become more like other people’s. I hadn’t gained anything I actually lost everything that made my prayers authentic and most importantly mine.
This tiny part of a bigger story within this comment has showed me that it’s not about how much time I spent praying, reading the bible or listening to Christian music. What matters is that I hunger and yearn for God. Sadly I don’t have the same hunger that I had for God when this journey started. I have allowed myself to fall into the trap of religion and I am the one who has lost out because I have lost that closeness that I once had with Jesus.
I now know what I need to do in order to get back to being best friends with Jesus. I need to hunger and yearn for God and get back to just opening my heart to Jesus regardless of anyone else and I need to stop saying things that I end up inevitably doing (that’s a post for another day.) Hopefully I won’t be writing anymore posts about this funk that has been annoying my life for the past few months.
I will leave you with this video in which Katie Torwalt says some words that tie in perfectly with what this post was all about.
Set Me Ablaze // Jesus Culture // New Song Cafe
Thank You for reading. I hope my words and the other people’s words I mentioned in this post help you with your prayer life.