I Started An Alpha Course Today.
Proverbs 2:6-8 (ESV)
6 For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; 7 he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, 8 guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints.
I started a 10 week alpha course today. I didn’t know what to expect but after hearing a testimony about the course I really wanted to go on it because I thought it would help my walk with God… But during and after I felt a little bit disappointed. The setup and the whole course is not what I thought it would be. I was expecting to spend time with people who are in the know, who would answer my questions and be able to help strengthen my walk with God but I felt like the program was aimed at people who don’t actually have a relationship with God.
I went into it with very little knowledge about the course and did not expect the program to be a video and then a discussion about what was taught. It being the first week everyone in their separate groups shared their testimonies and started just speaking from a place of emotion. And this is where I felt annoyed and out of place.
A few people in the group I sat with shared really touching stories and there were moments when questions were asked -that didn’t relate to this weeks session- that weren’t answered but the answers to these questions were in my thoughts prior to attending church. On the way to church I was thinking about something –that was a part of some of the devotionals I had read- and then asked by someone but I didn’t share my thoughts or speak to the person after the session had finished. WHY? I allowed the program to overtake God’s program.
One of the main things in my renewed walk with Christ that I really wanted and needed was a relationship with God and not church. I still carry church hurt and trying to navigate the one place that has become very difficult to navigate has left me in a strange position today. I have become the very thing that I convinced myself I would not be and that is a church person and not a God person. I didn’t want to become someone who attended church every week but didn’t do life according to God’s will.
I understand the importance of church and having that relationship.
I understand that not all churches are the same and they don’t all inflict pain.
Since signing up for the alpha course I have been thinking about what questions I wanted to ask and when nothing really came to me I prayed that God would lead me instead of me leading myself. Everything leading up to those questions and testimonies was God preparing me but I allowed God’s plan to be overpowered by routine and fears. I didn’t want to deviate from what was planned and I didn’t want to say something that I couldn’t back up.
Now I’m feeling guilty because I had the opportunity to speak up and help people but I didn’t do that. The what if’s are kicking in and I’m thinking of ways to rectify my mistake through prayer and answering those questions next time I attend church. I am kicking myself for today, this isn’t new territory for me but I am really kicking myself because I failed at something that is easy to do.
Some Q’s I have for the people who read my online diary. Feel free to answer if you want to and if you have anything you would like to add feel free to comment or send an email via the contact section.
Q. How do you deal with situations similar to one I found myself in today?
Q. How do you prepare yourself for church?
Q. If you have had church pain how have you dealt / how are you dealing with it?