My Salvation Story.
Exodus 15:2 (NIV UK) 2
‘The Lord is my strength and my defence; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
Image: Pinterest. Psalm 46:10
(Written sometime in 2016 and maybe Jan 2017.)
I said this whilst I was talking to God “You are in control.”
Fast forward a month or so I said something along these lines of “God, you are in control. I obviously don’t know what I’m doing and I need you to take control of my life.”
Those words have shaped my understanding of God and my walk with him. I know and understand that without God I simply cannot function at the level that I should be functioning at. I understand that I could have found my way back to God in many ways but things had to happen this way for me to fully appreciate that without God my life is lifeless.
Why did I need such a drastic understanding of God? I denied God’s existence for many years.
I lost my connection to God through a lack loss of faith and feelings of rejection and abandonment. For a big chunk of my life I felt as though God had truly abandoned me and I was alone, when in all honesty I had abandoned God. I had lost my relationship with God, through laziness, lack of understanding, not being spiritually rooted in the right place, my environment(s) SIN and plenty other things.
I had to get to the end of myself to get to the beginning of God.
It wasn’t until recently that I remembered that I had given my life over to the Lord whilst I was still at university, after this moment my sins were far worse than before handing my life to the Lord. I had reached a low point in my life once more and I had promised myself that I wouldn’t entertain suicidal thoughts so this wasn’t even an option. After a phone call or message from my mum, I watched a Joel Osteen video on YouTube and I gave my life over to the Lord. (If you’ve watched Joel Osteen, you’ll know that he leads people to the Lord at the end of each of his videos.)
For a few days even weeks I was determined to live my life for God, I told myself that I no longer wanted to live the life that I was living and that I would do anything to ensure that I walked in God’s promise for my life. I thought about finding a local church and I was trying to listen to gospel music and watch sermons online. But I was ill prepared for getting back to God. The main reason why I didn’t leave sinning behind was because I thought that to get back to God I needed to attend a church, I thought that my proximity to God was in relation to spending time in a church. But, now knowing what I know and having been through what I’ve been through, I know that I didn’t / don’t need to be in a church every week to know God.
I lost my faith because of “the church” and I was not going to get it back in the church. I probably would have lost my faith even more than before.
After a while of trying to be a “good Christian” I was back to my sinful ways, and it wasn’t because the sin was nicer than God. It was partly because I didn’t know how to get back to God safely; by safely I mean without encountering anything that would lead me straight back to the devil. I had been a Christian for many years and I knew that getting back to God would be difficult and I thought I couldn’t handle anymore battles with the devil. After years of rejection and loneliness I felt as though I didn’t have a good support system around me that would help me through this journey and so I started slipping away from God.
When I went back to sinning I now know that the devil was punishing me for giving my life over to the Lord, he would tempt me to sin then he would use shame to keep me in sin. My biggest sin as far as I am concerned was sexual immorality, I was in the grips of this immorality for so long that I didn’t realise what the devil was doing to me.
When I was younger I valued, respected and understood the importance of celibacy, and that’s exactly what the devil used to try and destroy my life. I started to believe that because I’d had sex then no one would love me, which then made me sin even more. I would engage in immorality and the devil would make me feel shame about having done what he wanted me to do. Then the cycle would repeat itself, when all of this was happening I didn’t see that it was all a part of the devil’s plan.
I had to get to the end of myself to get to the beginning of God.
My true salvation began a year after I graduated university. It wasn’t what I expected it to be; it wasn’t through a church, reading the bible, listening to worship music or sermons. It was through a book, written by a believer. After watching a video by the Bronzegoddess (LINK) I purchased a book and this book changed the trajectory of my life and walk with God. BG was speaking about how the main notion of this book had helped her achieve a lot of the things in her life. It took me a while to purchase the book; “Write it Down, Make it Happen”– by Henriette Anne Klauser because I couldn’t afford to put money that I didn’t have towards a book. After a few months I kept thinking about the book and I finally purchased it, I started reading it slowly and acted upon what the book would ask me to do.
I thought that the main purpose of the book is what I would be getting out of reading and practising what the book told me but in actual fact, God was teaching me to let go of some of the control I desperately held onto. In the beginning of my journey with this book I started to notice that a lot of the things I wrote down would happen, and I started thinking bigger and writing bigger which led to varying levels of disappointment. Even through all of this I still didn’t get the message God was sending me, he wanted me to let go and give him control over my life. As I continued reading the book I started communicating with God, through written and verbal prayers.
Even when I was reading this book I continued to sin, I wrote down all the “good” things I wanted but I also wrote down all the things that I knew were not good for me or my relationship with God. Before long I was no longer just writing things in my notebook, I was addressing God and God alone, my words had a purpose. But the devil wasn’t done with me, I thought he had taken me to my lowest point but I hadn’t seen exactly what was in store for me. At my lowest, God was right there with me, sending me several angels to watch over me and to make sure that the devil didn’t kill me. Even though I was experiencing God’s power in so many areas of my life I didn’t actually understand, let alone see that it was God’s love and mercy.
The true end of my life in sin came after I had done so many things that I always told myself I wouldn’t do and I looked back on the months leading up to that moment and I realised that nothing good and wholesome comes from the devil. My outlook on life, men, dating had changed completely but I no longer felt fear about my past. I felt a conviction to leave that life behind and pursue a true relationship with God. God had stayed faithful to me even though I had continued to sin and hadn’t allowed myself to trust him and his plan for my life.
It has been a few months now since I said “God you are in control” and in that time God has sent so many things my way to uplift me, make me realise that I am not alone and that I don’t need to feel shame. Some people have been brought into my life to help me speak about my past, they have paved a way for me to speak openly about my past in order to prevent and heal other young women who are in similar situations that I found myself in not so long ago.
I now realise after listening to a few people’s stories that because I had given my life over to the Lord, I was now His and regardless of how much I sinned God was still fighting for me. Saying the sinner’s prayer showed the Lord my heart, I told him that I needed him and he came to rescue me. I made the rescue operation difficult because I wanted to control everything in and out of my life. Because of this God needed me to get to a point where I realised that I had absolutely no control over my life and what happened in it for me to understand His power.
Looking to the future, there are plenty of things that I want from God and there are many things that he now wants from me. I understand that I only have abundant life through Christ and that I should be doing everything I humanly can to ensure that I spend as much time as I possibly can getting close to the Lord.
I am thankful that God saved me and he kept on fighting for me even though I did not deserve his mercy.
Grace – Jesus Did It.