“I Shouldn’t Have Said That.”
Proverbs 21:23 (ESV)
23 Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.
“Loose Lips Sink Ships”
A while ago whilst in my favourite mode, thinking too much instead of sleeping. I was done with a certain thought popping into my head constantly and me just brushing it off so I decided to confront it. After going round in circles I finally got to the answer as to why this issue came back into my head over and over again. The answer was “I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.”
James 1:26 (ESV)
26 If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.
Whilst I was going around in circles and not actually getting to the root of the issue I realised that I was still holding onto the past and had unforgiveness and this was continuing to cause issues in my life and thoughts. The funk I have already written about was fueled by some very negative thoughts about myself and what I will not do in the future. As much as I keep telling myself that I have moved on my thoughts keep showing me that I am still holding onto and blaming others for my past mistakes.
Some of the negative thoughts had to do with what people from my past could do to ruin my future. I was more worried about what people could dig up about me, or say that would get in the way of any potential future success, instead of focusing on what I did wrong and how I could put it right in my heart and in reality. (I know that the change that God has worked into my life is bigger than anything that could be brought up about my past.)
“A Listening Ear Is Also A Running Mouth.”
This one phrase is one that I have lived too many times but I didn’t learn from it because I thought rightfully or wrongfully I was being unfairly targeted. But I didn’t learn the important lesson that is hidden within this. The lesson isn’t “don’t trust people / don’t open up to people,” the actual lesson is “don’t say anything that could be taken out of context, twisted or used against you.” An even deeper lesson is don’t think anything that can do the above.
For years I have been desperately holding onto blaming someone specific for something they did to me, but I hadn’t confronted myself. I carried that anger, hurt, pain, betrayal and plenty other emotions into the next stage of my life. At the time I thought that because I was more cautious towards people I had learned the lesson “don’t open your mouth full-stop.” But I hadn’t because my new friendships led me down the same road and they cause even more pain to jump into my life.
Matthew 15:11 (ESV)
11 it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.”
For such a long time I had myself convinced that my tongue wasn’t doing anything wrong; “I wasn’t saying anything that isn’t true, I wasn’t embellishing anything that I had seen or heard, I was repeating what happened word for word, I wasn’t being a b***h.” But I didn’t realise that what I was doing was worse than being called a b***h because I was speaking when I shouldn’t. I cared more about not being called the b word more than I cared about not being one, I didn’t look deeply within myself to evaluate why I was saying any of the things that I was saying.
This is how negative things make a home in life; they start of innocent, not harmful in any way but they end up being so destructive and detrimental to so many areas of life.
Since I began looking back at my words I have found that my words didn’t change people, they didn’t challenge people’s behaviours , my words only hurt me. I look back on my words and have found that in so many situations because of this reputation that was following me around I didn’t get to impact people’s live in a positive way. The only thing that is associated with my name and actions is a bad reputation in whatever direction. What began innocently as me “speaking the truth” has left me with a bad reputation.
Ephesians 4:29 (ESV)
29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Now that I am living my life trying to be more like Jesus this issue is one that I can not take any further than where it is because it does not reflect someone who has God in her life. With God in my life I shouldn’t even be making the mistakes that I used to make, my mind shouldn’t even be thinking of anything that will be harmful towards others. I need to make sure that my words are truthful, build people up or towards where God needs them to be.
All of these things in my past make me realise that there are areas of my life that I’m still holding onto. (I’m too concerned with protecting the person who I was from the negative words that will come my way.) I have reached points of acknowledging that I have certain issues but then without confronting the root of the issue I keep doing the same things, going round the same mountain and finding myself in the same place. My concern with protecting my past from people’s words shows me that I am making progress and a certain being is trying to stop me from truly moving forward. I have bigger battles ahead of me, but beating the little ones is what will help me fight through and win the bigger ones.