Letters To My Younger Self.
Galatians 2:20 (ESV)
20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Lately I have been thinking about what I would say to my younger self if I was given the opportunity to go back in time and speak to or write a letter to myself. I had seen some really beautiful letters someone wrote to herself on Instagram and it obviously stayed in my mind and that’s why I have been thinking about speaking to my younger self.
Over the past few weeks I have thought so much about what I would say to myself. I go from; I wouldn’t say anything that would change my life right now because if I did I would be living a different life to I would prepare myself for the horrific journey I was about to go on to I would just write a letter telling myself to focus on God and obviously my life would be completely different to the one I have and am living. I have gone round in circles about what I would do / say, if I would do anything to change my past and in all honesty if I could go back and change my life I would jump at the opportunity but that’s not how life works.
The main thought that kept coming back every time I thought about what I would say to myself always came down to what I would say to myself to change my past behaviour.
This is what my list of what I would tell myself looked like when I was just focusing on my past behaviour.
- I would tell myself to be less embarrassing.
- I would tell myself not to chase friendships.
- I would tell myself to not try so hard to fit in.
- I would tell myself to avoid certain friendships. (for both parties sake)
- I would tell myself to avoid any activities that have affected my life.
This is what my list looks like when I shifted the focus from solely being about my behaviour to it being about making my future better.
- I wold tell myself to pursue God, a relationship with an understanding of Him.
- I would tell myself to be unapologetically black. (racism sucks)
- I would tell myself to love my culture, and background. (racism and xenophobia suck)
- I would tell myself to see the things that make me unique out and to love them.
- I would tell myself to ignore any and all negative things said about and done to me.
I acknowledge that my past shaped me and made me the person I am today. I am not that long into the journey as a new being but I am completely different to who I was and who people remember me as. Without any of the things that I went through necessarily and unnecessarily I wouldn’t be where I am today, my life could be better or worse of.
I can’t go back and change anything about my life. I can’t go back and make myself choose God. I can’t go back and tell myself anything that will make some of the pain a little bit easier. BUT I can write letters to young women who look exactly like me when I was younger. I can use my story to help them find strength to realise that their current pain is small in comparison to the future.
Each day / week / month something comes into my mind that makes me feel guilty; ashamed, undeserving of the life I am and will live, embarrassed, the list goes on. The only way that I can and will combat this is by letting go of my past, not wishing to change it but using my story to help someone who could easily end up down the same road that I went down. It’s great that I realise now the importance of having a relationship with God and maybe the story of my past will change the course of someone else’s life. I just need to let go of the emotions that are stopping me from opening my heart on and off this blog. I need to worry less about what people could use against me present and future because anyone who is willing to use my past against me is not worth my time.
Letters to me now; Be more Open & Honest!