I Haven’t Fully Given Myself Over to The Lord.
James 4:7 (ESV)
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
My emotional and spiritual funk has well and truly overstayed its welcome! I realise that I haven’t fully given my life over to the Lord because of how low I have been feeling over the past few days / weeks. It’s a long complicated story about why I got into this funk in the first place. Some of the emotions and thoughts that have come to the surface make me realise that I have been trying to control so much of my life in the background whilst still proclaiming that I have given my life over to God.
I have control issues, nature and nurture…
When I started walking with God I said these words “God, you are in control. I obviously don’t know what I’m doing and I need you to take control of my life.” These words honestly changed my life, I stopped trying to control so many aspects of my life and I let the Lord lead me. Those months after I said these words were honestly the most amazing months that I can remember. I didn’t worry about anything that was coming my way big or small. I just left it to God, I learned how to communicate with God and I began to start to hear Him.
Matthew 6:3 (ESV)
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
But now more than 6 months later I realise that I actually haven’t given all of me over to Christ. I have been trying to control some aspects of my life instead of fully giving God control of every single aspect of who I am. I can credit part of me being in a funk to not doing as God told me a couple of months ago in relation to a job interview. I think that this began my emotional downfall because I didn’t listen to God’s clear guidance and I allowed my emotions, fears and people’s opinions to cloud my judgment.
Image – First5.org
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I watched a few Heather Lindsey videos (Help! I hate my job! & Learning How To Be Faithful With Little & I Messed Up, Now What? ) and all of them spoke to me and what I’m currently struggling with. H.L. mentions her work history, she talks about her experiences and why she was in those roles in the first place. The most relevant point that stuck with me is one that she mentioned about her own mentality when she was in the work environments.
What she said made me think about my own work ethic and attitude when I’ve been in jobs. I ask God to do something for me but I am not prepared to live in what I have asked Him for, I just move onto the next request. When I have prayed for jobs in the past I got the role but then I would become dissatisfied, the main reason was that I asked for a job just to fulfill one need in my life; having money. But I didn’t think further than getting the job and fully committing to what I asked God for.
If you’ve prayed a vague prayer you will understand what happens when you get the thing that you prayed for. All the other things that you didn’t cover in your prayer come to the surface and you start thinking more about the cons than you do enjoying the pros or why you initially asked for that job. I have prayed for jobs and then when I was in them I realised that they didn’t actually satisfy my financial needs -that’s why I prayed for one.
I have gotten used to asking God for something, getting it and then quitting because I wasn’t prepared for what I asked for.
These videos made me realise that my prayer life has become extremely self-centred, worldly goal oriented, more about what I can get from God and not what I can do for God with or without what I have asked for. It’s great to pray bold prayers when you’re prepared to walk in what you have asked for. But it’s extremely difficult to live in and enjoy what you have asked for if you did it out of trying to have control over your life.
In my requesting prayer life I have been asking God for things but tailoring it towards what I want, not what God wants to do with my life right now and in the future.
I realise that I haven’t fully given myself over to God because if I had, I wouldn’t be praying for a job for the sole purpose of having money. I would be praying for a job because I am ready to be in one and I am ready for the battles / lessons within it that will prepare me for the next step in my life. I would leave the worries about not having money to God and I would completely rely on Him to provide for my needs. Which aren’t a lot at the moment, but instead I pray for something that I am not prepared for right now to fulfill a need that I don’t actually have.
ELEVATION WORSHIP – “Give My Life To You/Our King Has Come”
This has opened my eyes to some of the other areas in my life that I haven’t given God control over, I have allowed my fears and worries to dictate what I do and don’t do with my life instead of letting God in and allowing Him to take control of the issue. Knowing that I have to be specific when praying for things has helped me to step up my prayer game but I haven’t continued to apply those lessons to my prayer life.
I need to be authentic with God when asking for things; He does answer my prayers, He gives me what I need, He teaches me about what and why I am asking for things but if I don’t learn my lessons in the now and apply them correctly into my future I will keep failing tests, and I will end up like the Israelite’s and not walking into my promised land.