Am I Truly Trusting God?
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
January and this snippet of February have been extremely tough emotionally and spiritually for me. I have cried sad and happy tears; laughed, had ah ha moments, gotten very angry, stepped out of my routine, spent a lot of time with God, learned lessons about prayer, spent less time with God than I should. I have done it all in 41 days.
This past week thanks to me getting too emotionally involved in something that I shouldn’t have gotten myself into I have slipped away from spending time with God. I was in a routine of spending time with God each day but I slipped back to where I was a few months ago. Because of my personality I started searching for a reason as to why I had slipped away from spending time with God. Am I watching too much TV? (Yes) Is it because of what someone else is praying or saying into my life? (Maybe) And the final one did I step out in my own strength instead of relying on God? (YES)
My prayer life had started to evolve and grow but when all of this exploded I went back to what I call weak prayers. (Prayers that are just done out of habit or routine but don’t have much of a purpose / aren’t from the heart.) I switched back to I have to go back to the beginning mode. I have to behave how I was at the beginning of my walk with God but that is not the answer it’s easy to think “I need to go back to praying how I did at the start of my journey because I was moving forward.” When in fact we just need to stop, look around, deal with the issue and then move forward.
I now realise that the reason I haven’t been able to effectively pray or spend time with God is because I stepped out of God’s will and acted upon my emotions and then didn’t get right with God before stepping back in my lane. I used my own strength to deal with an issue then carried all the anger and emotions into my time with God but didn’t actually get to the bottom of my issue, apologise or repent.
I have been taking steps to move forward in my walk with God but then this bump in the road made me realise that I am also carrying things that are going to hurt me and others at some point in the future. I have watched women ministers speaking about their journeys with God and how they struggled in many areas of their lives because they had issues that they hadn’t confronted and dealt with. This made me realise the need to get all of my issues on the table before I even attempt to try and truly walk into the next step of my journey with Christ.
I need to confront the things that have led me to sinful ways in the past.
I need to confront the things that have got a hold of my emotions.
I need to confront the things that are distracting me from hearing God’s voice and guidance.
I have reached a point in my life where I am not rushing God and trying to fix every issue that I have. I want to fix the issues that I have right now so that when I walk into the next step of my journey or destiny I don’t bring anything with me that doesn’t need to be there. I don’t want to walk into a career, relationship or friendship with any baggage or pain. All of these things have their own issues but bringing my own baggage along will not help things and it will only make life harder.
I want and need God to show me the issues that I have and can deal with before I bring other people -friends, relationships and children etc.- into my life. I wrote a long-gggggg list of things that are an issue in my life, they consist of the usual; envy, jealousy, discontentment, anger, guilt, selfishness just to name a few.